I have fffffffffffuggintourettes!

Recently, I was walking down the local main street and I realised something that has never occurred to me before. I have tourettes (ARSE!).

All jokes aside, I thought it would make my short journey slightly more interesting if I hurled subtle if not subliminal abuse at people that I just plain didn't like the look of. Which it turns out, in my gradual transformation into a grumpy old fart, is quite a few members of our local population.

So there I am walking along and just as I pass random people, I mutter "gobshite"...... "twat"...."ringpiece"...... "bumhole" ......"bender".

That can't be right, surely.

Apparently, more people than you might imagine have tourettes in one form or another. Tourettes is just a nervous tick that's manifested by (fucking hilarious) verbal outbursts. But many people have it without even knowing it. If you stub your toe on something and shout expletives, that can be construed as a form of it. Having said that, if I stub my toe, to say I utter expletives is somewhat an understatement. To say that I'd embarrass a docker with my language and then go about seeking revenge on whatever it was that got in my way would be more accurate.

This brings me on to my vengeful nature which probably isn't a healthy thing either. I was stung by a nettle yesterday while picking blackberries and, after a short outburst of tourettes and wondering why there were so many fucking nettles but bollocks-all dock leaves, memories from the distant past came rushing back. If I was stung by a nettle as a kid, I'd march into the house and march back the hell out again wielding a bamboo or a similar nettle-killing weapon and I would obliterate every bastard nettle in sight.

So don't piss me off.

(If you're a nettle)