Seeing red

Red traffic lights. What are they for?

You guessed it. A signal to stop and wait for a green light.

What are they NOT for? I'll tell ye now lads - they are NOT for:

• Fixing your makeup to make you look more like a slag



• Sending texts to your gay friends



• Turning, like actually rotating, in the chair to talk to that gimp in the passenger seat



• Fixing your stupid fucking "is it a hairstyle or a bad joke" mullet



• Getting out of the car to retrieve something from the boot



• Lighting a fag. Smoking should be made illegal while driving - bastards



• Dicking about with the SatNav that you don't need because you're never any more than 8 miles from your shitty house

All of the above lead to one of my biggest pet hates - Shitbox in the car in front sitting at a green light because he just wasn't ready and then driving through the junction as it turns back to red.

IF THE LIGHT IS RED, IT WILL SOON TURN GREEN. EXPECT IT AND BE READY, COCKASS.

OK, rant over - now shut your face.

Ooooooh yeah.

New template, is it?


Feckin lovely, do we?


Diggin' it.

Latest News: Rachel Síne O'Foghludha born on the 26th of March at 13:31. Another beautiful girl to add to my collection! Working like a dog in anticipation of 3 weddings in 20 years' time. Flights booked for Amsterdam in June for a weekend of culture and history. Loving my new Yamaha XMax which glides through traffic and is a pleasure to drive (see pic). Poor old Bertie. Go Braves! That's about it.

Rant: Saw a tracksuit tramp with a fag box full of pre-rolled joints staggering across the road in Whitehall today. He was walking in the gate of a school - probably to sell them. He was in such a jocker that he dropped them all over the road and the footpath. 3 times. Then he put the smokes in his pocket and littered the pavement with the empty box. I hope he's dead now.

Burn, scumbags, burn

Friends and neighbours of mine have just last night been burgled. The dirty theiving scumbags broke into the house via a downstairs window, took the car keys from the jacket pockets - yes I said pockets, plural - and made off with a nearly new 5-series and a nearly new japjeep as well as a couple of iPods and other things.

Well, you dirty shit-licking theiving motherfuckers, if you're reading this (which I know you're not because your whore of a mother and your drugged-up alco petty criminal faggot father didn't send you to school, so you simply can't read this) I hope you burn in hell squealing like a live piglet on a spit.

The more I think about this, the more I get annoyed, because, if these crackheads get caught, what happens? For a long time, nothing. Then, at best - AT BEST - they get hoofed into the 'Joy for a few months to see their mates, work out at the gym, watch telly, take drugs and get free meals. And at whose expense? The poor bastard whose cars they robbed!

Our friends in far eastern locations may have some loopy ideas about a lot of things, but I see nothing wrong with lobbing the limbs off these scumbags. Or stoning them. Or whipping the back off them with a length of frayed cable.

Knackers.

SASH! AAAAAAH! Saviour of the universe.

Or not. I saw this in a news article recently. The jaffas are trying to "cool-up" the narrow-minded, ridiculous, non-sensical, priority-lacking pile of shite that is the orange order with the introduction of a twat-faced arsemonger in a pair of tights.

Apparently, there's a competition as to what this gimp should be called and the odds-on favourite is "Sash Gordon".

Like, fucking hell.

As if our bigoted bretheren weren't already the subject of much ridicule. An orange "super"-hero. Anyone reading this (and maybe a prior post or two) could be forgiven for thinking that I have something against the jaffas. I don't really. I think they're idiots. I think they're backward. I think they're to be more to be pitied than scolded (Before you shell out any pity on them, laugh at them first. Always with the ridicule.) but they're just so ridiculous in everything they do that there's no way they could possibly instill any sort of hatred in me.

So I say "keep it up, citrus-boys.... you couldn't write this sort of comedy"

Stupid technology...

...stupid in that it was too late arriving. I love learning stuff but as an antiauthoritarian in school, I wanted to learn the stuff that I was interested in and scrap the rest. Stick your binomial theorem up your ass, mate. Weights, measures, percentages - I can see that being useful. Probability? You can probably fuck off with that too.

Naturally, this attitude proved a bit of a problem as it is fundamentally the complete opposite of a structured school curriculum. As a result, I went through the motions of schooling rather than really applying myself as well as I could. I did feck all study and passed my Leaving but all the while resenting working on things that I had no interest in. All I needed was enough of a Leaving Cert to become a pilot (which was the original plan) and, to that end, I succeeded.

But NOW, Bob Technology has decided to come up with, what would have been for me, the best idea since breasts were invented. I give you duenow.com. I remember thinking to myself "Jaysus, if only I had the internet when I was at school - homework would have been a breeze" but this beats the smelly jocks off wasting time Googling about the place and compiling the information into some sort of readable entity. The first parargraph on the site says it all:

Are you sick-and-tired of spending hours in a library or online searching for an essay on your topic -- only to end up with no essay and no quality information? Tired of slaving all night long writing an essay -- only to get a garbage grade? Do you have better things do with your time than spend it writing a useless essay? In the time it takes you to brew a cup of coffee, you'll be done your essay and be free to have a social life, relax, or do anything else that you desire -- simply by using the power of the world's largest essay website. You'll be done your essay and be on with your life in record time and with unparalleled results.

If you have a younger brother, sister, niece or nephew in school, a subscription to this site would make an excellent Christmas present. On Crimbo day, they might look at it and go "great, something for school, thanks a million" with a face on them like a smacked arse, but watch their face do a complete turnaround and light up brighter than the sun's bumhole when you explain to them that you have bought them freedom for Christmas. Free-fucking-dom.

As I said - bollocks to you technology, you're twenty-odd years too late.

Ye ponce.

I have fffffffffffuggintourettes!

Recently, I was walking down the local main street and I realised something that has never occurred to me before. I have tourettes (ARSE!).

All jokes aside, I thought it would make my short journey slightly more interesting if I hurled subtle if not subliminal abuse at people that I just plain didn't like the look of. Which it turns out, in my gradual transformation into a grumpy old fart, is quite a few members of our local population.

So there I am walking along and just as I pass random people, I mutter "gobshite"...... "twat"...."ringpiece"...... "bumhole" ......"bender".

That can't be right, surely.

Apparently, more people than you might imagine have tourettes in one form or another. Tourettes is just a nervous tick that's manifested by (fucking hilarious) verbal outbursts. But many people have it without even knowing it. If you stub your toe on something and shout expletives, that can be construed as a form of it. Having said that, if I stub my toe, to say I utter expletives is somewhat an understatement. To say that I'd embarrass a docker with my language and then go about seeking revenge on whatever it was that got in my way would be more accurate.

This brings me on to my vengeful nature which probably isn't a healthy thing either. I was stung by a nettle yesterday while picking blackberries and, after a short outburst of tourettes and wondering why there were so many fucking nettles but bollocks-all dock leaves, memories from the distant past came rushing back. If I was stung by a nettle as a kid, I'd march into the house and march back the hell out again wielding a bamboo or a similar nettle-killing weapon and I would obliterate every bastard nettle in sight.

So don't piss me off.

(If you're a nettle)

Spam Corner

In my oh-so-very-humble opinion, eircom are shite. Have a look at the pic to the right. That is a screenshot of my Googlemail inbox which I have set to check my eircom mail as well. Over the last few days, I have amassed 129 spam emails to my eircom address and as you can see (if you click the image to enlarge), EVERY fucking spam mail that goes into the gmail spam folder comes via eircom. The paranoid of us would suggest that because I declined eircom's kind offer of a subscription-based spam filter, that I am now subject to even more crap than ever before. I think the reason is that they're just a bunch of cockmonkeys.

Anyway here's one of the fine nuggets of spam that came through this morning:

Good morning,
When I looked in the mirror after every shower, I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I was average. After doing some research online, I realized that I was slightly under-average
Mukesh Castle

??

erm...... Dear Mukesh, thanks for that. You fucking freak.

Honestly.